Solitude

Today I am thankful for stillness, peace, a little time of my own. Ella and Cade have been with my parents for a couple days. My original plan was to pick them up this afternoon. I am missing their arms around my neck and their smiling, little faces desperately. However, Mom and Dad said they had something planned and asked to keep them one more day. I figured this big house would start to feel empty without them today. Instead, I have found peace and rest and solitude.

I slept until 11 o'clock today. Yep, I did. I jumped out of bed, feeling as though I had slept the day away, and slightly afraid that perhaps I missed a phone call and someone would indeed find out that I had slept in. Craziness, I know, and, after several moments of feeling more than a little guilty, I had to cut myself some slack. I did work last night until 1:30. I didn't get in bed until almost 3 am. Am I not allowed to sleep 8 hours like any other normal human being that goes to bed at 10 and gets up at 6? The thing is, sleeping, or resting, is not something I'm very good at. I get very little sleep on the weekends, and routinely go 28-30 hours without it. As sad and unhealthy as it is, I have come to accept it as normal. To go, go, go until I pretty much have to lay down from exhaustion. I do hope it changes someday, but it's just the way things are right now. So what a good feeling to wake up today and feel rested. Really rested. And for the house to be quiet. And for my mind to be still and feel peace.

I don't know why this is always so hard for me. To allow my mind to be quiet and my body to not always be doing. To just be. And to give myself a break when I do those things. The Bible warns us of being idle, and sometimes I think I take that too far. There has to be a balance there somewhere, because the Bible also tells us it is important for a man to rest from constant working. Finding that balance continues to be my daily struggle. I know that when I do rest, when I am still, I can sense God's presence in my life so much more. And I know He doesn't want me to be so busy that I can't hear Him speaking to me. Today I have thought about things that haven't crossed my mind in years. I have had memories of friends and laughter and special moments that, at the time, I thought I would never forget. The sad thing is, in all my diligence to keep doing, I had forgotten. God has wrapped His arms around me today and slowed me down. And captured in this solitude, I have been reminded that this meaningless busyness of life is not what He wants for my life.

My dad asked me last night, jokingly, if, in having a little time to myself, I had found myself. We both laughed about it and then he asked me, in all seriousness, if I was resting. I think I responded with something like, "Sure, Dad," and my mind immediately went to something else and didn't give it a second thought. But darn if I'm not once again reminded of what a wise man my dad is and that my parents still seem to know me a little better than I know myself.

So today I am thankful for solitude. For peace of mind. And for parents who still know what's best for me, though they're always too gracious to come right out and say it.